The "Rules" Of Childbirth

This was something that a group of OB nurses on Cafemom.com were talking about. The post asked what rules they'd like to see in the delivery room, and this is the 'humor' that they came up with. SAD!!!!! This is what they want YOU to do in YOUR birth!! Have you considered the idea of homebirthing, lately?

Rules of the Labor and Delivery area

1. Don't ask me if my wheel can tell you if you got knocked up on the 15th or the 16th. That's too damn close to have 2 different partners anyway... Just suffer for 8 more months, assuming the father is not the one it should be.

2. Bed rest does not include walking around Walmart, or running by the mall to pick up something.

3. Don't come in the middle of the night because you've been throwing up for a week... and then ask me to get you something to eat.

4. Breathing hard, and faking to your family like you're having contractions, WON'T open up your cervix.

5. Tears, and rolling around in the bed also will NOT open your cervix.

6. Doing sit ups while in the bed to make the monitor "go up".... also..... WILL NOT open your cervix.

7. Until your cervix is opening.....don't plan on staying.

8. If you fight with your boyfriend and need a little TLC... go to his mother's house, not the labor room.

9. If you are there with someone in labor, don't try to read the strip and tell me what's going on. You don't know the difference between a fart and a contraction and you'll likely just piss me off and delay your loved one getting pain medication or her epidural.

10. When I ask the patient a question, that's who I want the answer from... OK? I don't need her mother to tell me when she had sex last....

11. This day and time, if a patient is between the ages of 37 and 42... she has had approximatley 2-5 partners. If she is between the ages of 28-36, the average is 7. If she is in her early to mid twenties, then her age is how many partners she's had... If she is a teenager, then "too numerous to count" applies. (and she has had, or currently has chlamydia or trich)

12. Open your damn legs. If you were a virgin, you wouldn't be here.

13. Shave that shit. If we wanted a trip to the jungle... we'd go there.

14. Clean your ass before you come in. Unless you have the umbilical cord hanging out, are in a serious accident, or are bleeding profusely, take time to wash it up a bit... it's going to be on display.

15. You'd better be nice to your nurse. She, not the physician, decides when you get pain medication... There is such a thing as placebo. We can also make you wait the entire 2 hours... adding 45 minutes for our convenience... or we can give it to you 15 minutes early.... it's all in your attitude.

16. The fewer visitors you have in with you... the better mood your nurse will be in.

17. Get rid of that one "know it all" visitor before it's too late. She can ruin the entire experience for you by pissing me off.

18. If this is your 6th baby, either get the epidural before you come in, or don't plan on one.

19. Don't blame us when you're baby can't say it's own name when it's 5. Chances are, it was the cocaine you snorted in the parking lot, just before you were rushed in abrupting.

20. If your pulse is 50 when you come in... from all the downers you've been downing... chances are your baby will be several bricks shy of a full load. It's your fault, not ours.

21. When I ask you if you smoke... you should include marijuana in that answer. Other things that should be included are, hashish, crack, meth, and any other illegal drug that you may have smoked. Nicotine is the least harmful of all the crap you could smoke...dummy.

22. Don't bitch at us because your baby has to stay in the hospital until it's 2 months old, weaning off of Methadone or Morphine. Regardless of what the bullshit clinic says to you.... Methadone is NOT healthy for babies.

23. If you call us and say you're bleeding profusely, then I'd better see some blood when you come in. Do you know how many people we notify for shit like that!

24. Hard labor doesn't just stop with 1 bag of IV fluids. We know a faker when we hydrate one.

25. If you're an addict, we already have a preconceived notion about you, and we probably don't like you. Nothing personal... it's just the way it is. You chose that life... now live it.

26. Regardless of the fact that your neighbor's sister's aunt had a baby at 30 weeks and it is perfect... that does NOT mean we're going to let you have yours at 30 weeks.

27. Your neighbor's sister's aunts baby likely had to stay in the hospital for 6 weeks, and could possibly have problems that you're not aware of... dumb dumb.

28. You'd better tell us if you're on narcotics... trust me...... We'll know soon enough, because our drug of choice is Stadol.... HA HA.

29. If you have track marks on your arm, "NO YOU CAN NOT GO OUT AND SMOKE" with your IV. What do you think we are, Stupid?

30. Don't scream. We hate screamers. It get's on our nerves and we just sit at the desk looking at each other and grinning and making faces. It's not to your advantage.

31. If you don't have custody of your 3 other kids, chances are you won't go home with this one either. We ARE calling Social Services. That's our job.

32. If the baby's dad is in jail, and he's still your boyfriend, we automatically assume "birds of a feather flock together

This is for real. I wish I was making it up. this list was created by a group of OB nurses on a message board http://www.cafemom.com/group/14160/